Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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