please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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