why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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