last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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