wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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