Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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