I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
