I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
