her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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