I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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