Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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