I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
