Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
