Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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