Betty ford says i'm here all night
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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