K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
