Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
