She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
