ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
