I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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