Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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