Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
