Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
