I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
