I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
