My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Pants are for mortals
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize