you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
