I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
