Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
