There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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