the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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