I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
