Can i not drive my cunt home
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
