I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Randomize
