I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize