I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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