Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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