i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
