please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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