That's when you crack a 10am beer
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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