I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
