Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
