Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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