I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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