so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
