Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
