now i know why i became what i already was.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
