my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
