I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
