How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I will pee on everything he values.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
