I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
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