I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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