i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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