My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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