how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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