i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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