her vagina looked like bernie madoff
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
