ya dads aren't the best wingmen
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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