I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
did i walk over a car last night?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
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