she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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