fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
