He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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